Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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