Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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