last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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