I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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