I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
