im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
