Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize