so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
