I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
