Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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