All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
