we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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