just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
