when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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