i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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