R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize