Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
