So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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