Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
