stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
