a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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