Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
