Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im holly from the hills drunk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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