Kareoke will never be a sober sport
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
