when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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