I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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