We named our party play list daddy issues
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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