you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
