She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
