first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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