there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
