and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
