I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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