you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
