babies were throwing up all over the place
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
