god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish there were birth control emojis
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
why is half of my head shaved?
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