I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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