At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
