She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
