I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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