I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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