I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
