i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
