You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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