I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize