am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize