just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize