dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
