Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
