Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he laminated a picture of his dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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