so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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