I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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