You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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