I faked an abortion last night.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
