one word: firstdatebathroomanal
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
