i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
