Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
