a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
