Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
