I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
