what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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