Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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