she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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