My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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