There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
