I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
someone owes me an orgasm
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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