the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
