You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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