no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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